It's Like Raking Leaves on a Windy Day

Certain things are just not practical and better done under different circumstances.

Allowed Myself One Day of Self Pity

This was from last Tuesday (December 4th, 2012):

I allowed myself one day of self pity. 

But that was yesterday. 

Today, I got up. Brushed myself off (figuratively). Took a long shower (literally). Went through the motions in the morning. Came back. Ate a little. And had the most productive day in as long as I can remember. I accomplished over a weeks worth of tasks in some areas and got caught up in everything that I needed to do. Honestly, it feels liberating. Yesterday is still nagging at me, but today I put that energy to good use instead.

The End Of A Long Journey

I hold in my hand, the end. This pill marks the end of my two and half year, nine- medication journey with psychopharmacology. I was on some of these medications for two weeks. Some for over a year. Sometimes one at a time. And sometimes four. Some of these medications I should have never been prescribed. Some caused more problems than they solved. Some were very low doses. Some were extremely high. They were antidepressants, anticonvulsants, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics. None seemed to help.

I’m not cured and I might have to live significant parts of my life struggling with things that have become commonplace to me. But I am “okay.” At eighteen, I have seen many things and worked many systems that most people won’t see or work in their entire lives.

This final 150mg dose of Lithium marks the end of a journey that I hope that I won’t have to embark on again. But if I do, I’m ready. I can handle it.

I’m in it for the long-run, for the fight. I am strong.

And tomorrow morning, when I take what will hopefully be my last dose of a psychiatric medication, I will be free! 

My Roommate

My roommate is bad for my recovery, my mental health, and my physical health.

I’m trying to be very careful. I know that I could have done far worse for a roommate this year and that most of the time we tolerate each other extremely well. Shy of when I’ve been at home or an occasional slip-up to a friend here, I have not said, or written, a negative thing about her. It’s not worth it. Here is my one complaint right now however, and I am choosing it carefully:

She has very odd eating and exercising habits and is quite obsessed with how she looks. It takes her hours to get ready in the morning and at night, which, as far as logistics go at least, is fine. We’ve managed so far. However, I’m worried that while I’m trying to balance the appropriate way for me to eat and dress (I’ve also been sick so I have to wear baggy clothing that covers most of my skin) having her around is an additional and unnecessary stress. I feel her constantly judging my dressing and eating habits and I am having trouble with it. She “treats everyday like a fashion show,” while I dress for comfort. She eats as little as she possibly can and exercises as much as she can, while looking down on those who don’t. I can’t handle her judgements while I’m trying to get my own life together, and I can’t tell anyone because I don’t want anyone here to know about my struggles. I don’t know what to do.

The Bell Jar

Although there are only 3 classes left in the semester, my English Professor assigned us Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" to read. I knew when I signed up for the class this summer that this book was on the syllabus, and if fact, it's on of the reason that I chose the class. I'm not so sure that it's a good idea any more. I've resolved that I am going to spend as little time alone while reading it as possible, but it is still triggering. Extremely triggering at times, actually. For class discussion it helps if we annotate the book, but since I have a moral opposition to writing in this book, I have been putting post-it notes in the margins with anything that I feel is worth noting. To make my life easier, I am using two different color notes: one for class-related points, and one for personal ones.

Furthermore, I have to give a presentation of Plath probably on Tuesday or Thursday. In order to research for the presentation, I went to the library today to check out a couple of books on her. For every book that I grabbed I opened to a medication I had been on, a hospital I had been in, a diagnosis I had received, or another piece of specific information relating to that period of my life. That was really not what I was looking for tonight.

I will make it, though. I will read the book safely and take important and helpful information from it.

-Hope

11/28/12 - Struggle

I feel the roots of the "eating disorder " resurfacing. I've argued until I was blue in the face with multiple doctors however, that my lack of eating and massive loss of weight earlier this year was purely due to a lack of appetite. Then again, I also did not realize how thin I had gotten until I looked at pictures and told someone how much I weighed at my lowest. Apparently I was underweight, which is not characteristic of my build.

The fear of weight and of gaining weight has returned though. It's starting to consume my thoughts and actions again. Although I have a new therapist, and she's great, I'm still worried about losing credibility amongst other things if I change my mind on something I fought so hard for - justification for starving. I am however, more concerned about what will happen if this really is an "eating disorder" coming back. I'm in a completely different situation both physically and mentally than I was at the beginning of the year and I'm not sure that I could handle that extra stress here.

Breathe. Eat. Be safe.

- Hope

Relapse is just part of recovery.

"Teenagers shouldn't be fluent in psychiatry."

One of my Six Word Memoirs.

"How To Save a Life"

I felt that this blog needs a little bit more "fluff" while it's getting started, so here is the analysis of a song. I wrote this about a year and a half ago, and my writing is much different than it is now, but I thought that I would share anyway.

know that most people have already heard the song"How to Save a Life" by the Fray before (or maybe not) but I think that the story behind it, and especially the video carries a really important message. I believe that the story behind the song (I may be wrong, I'm doing this from memory of something that I read a while ago) is that the lead singer worked at a camp one summer for "emotionally disturbed" youth and this song was inspired by his experience seeing young people struggling. Although I'm not normally a fan of music videos, the video for this son is absolutely amazing. Please watch it for yourselves, but I'll write a little bit about it here as well. Most of the video shows children that are evidently struggling with things whether it be stress, grief, depression, or any number of things and it shows them in some way connected to a struggle that they're going through. Then, while this is going on it gives simple usually one to four or so word descriptions of "how to save a life." It also shows words of things that troubled the kids. I know that that wasn't a great description, but watch the video and listen to the song, I know the Fray has a reputation as a "pop" band, but it really is a great song and video. Who knows, maybe it could even help “save a life.” Happy Listening!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjVQ36NhbMk&ob=av3e

-Hope

1. Hope In Recovery.

November 7^th marked two years since I last “self-harmed.” January 6^th will be two years since I was hospitalized. January 15^th will be a year and a half since I was sent to the emergency room for nearly overdosing. December will be a year since I stopped eating and lost 15 pounds in one month, and 10 more over the next two months, leaving me very underweight. Friday I stop my last psychiatric medication, a two and a half year, nine-medication ordeal. NOW will be when I find HOPE and be free.

I was thinking the other day about all of the confirmations within the last two years that I have chosen the right path: life. Here is a brief summary of some tips and stories from what I have learned over the past three years about how to get through Depression, (Social) Anxiety, Self-Harm, Suicide, Eating Disorders, Hospitalization, and everything else. For more, either message me, or I may continue to post. (I’m also a fair portion into the book that I’m writing).

1.     The ONLY time that you can stop self-harming in when YOU are ready. Others can help you through that decision and everything that will follow, but it really needs to be up to you. You need to set your mind to it and really be ready to make the commitment. For me, this meant throwing away my “tools” and just telling myself that I was done. I had given it far more than it deserved already and it was not going to take anything more from me. Although it was easy enough to regain access to anything that I had thrown away, the symbolism helped carry me through.

2.     Find your coping skill. Or, better yet, have a small arsenal of them. Currently, when my thoughts get the best of me, I color. I’ve run the gambit however from television, to pacing, to knitting, to making lists of anything I can think of (usually something nerdy like the elements of the periodic table, or the Greek alphabet). Find what works for you, and have a couple of backups in case for some reason something’s not working in that moment.

3.     Set goals. Both short-term and long-term ideally, but the length of the long-term can depend on your situation. Goals can also include dates that you need to reach. These could be assignments, social events, meals, birthdays, concerts, anything that works for you. Longer term goals can be driving, going to college, graduation, a child’s milestone once again, anything that works for you. Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, or all of the above.

4.     Get help. Seriously, reach out to someone. It could be anyone that you find helpful. I, personally, chose to reach out to my general doctor first, but there are also other ways to get in touch with people directly. The person that you talk to also doesn’t need to be in the medical field, or even a professional, it could be a counselor, teacher, parent, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, sibling, grandparent, just tell someone. Sometimes even just talking about it can help, or, if you need something more, they can help direct you to a better source.

5.     Be silly. Have a snowball fight. Play fetch with your dog. Throw a rubber ball against the wall. Make silly faces. Do origami. Color. Swing. Dress up. Dress down. Play with sparkles. Relax and although it can be serious, allow yourself opportunities to de-stress and take life a little bit less seriously.

6.     Keep a To-Do list. Staying organized in everything else that you have to do will help you feel less overwhelmed. If keeping a To-Do list is too stressful (I know that sometimes I’m bothered by things on it that there was no feasible way to do), find another way to stay organized, or ask someone for help in doing so.

7.     Eat and sleep well. Obviously if that is where you are struggling, this will be harder, but all the more important. Regardless, both of these things are extremely important to both mental and physical health and you will be able to function better in all regards if you are well rested and have eaten a proper amount.

8.     Do NOT isolate or avoid social obligations and opportunities. This was probably one of the worst mistakes that I ever made. At exactly the time when I needed to be around people the most, I avoided them and ended up feeling more alone than ever. Please don’t do this. For yourself, and for me, please do not make this mistake.

9.     Spend more time breathing. The value of taking a slow deep breath and holding it is overlooked. When it occurs to you (or schedule time into your day if it doesn’t naturally occur to you) take a long, slow deep breath and just enjoy it.

10. I know that for many people getting out of bed in the morning can be one of he most difficult parts of the day. What I have started doing, is making breakfast plans every morning that I don’t have any early class that would require me getting up anyways. This way, I have a reason to get up (I don’t want to leave people waiting for me or going by themselves when I already told them that I would go) and it encourages me to get breakfast on a day when I might otherwise choose to skip the meal.

11. Don’t be afraid of what people will think of you if they find out or of what will happen to you when you tell someone. Yes, mental illness is still stigmatized and each term, diagnosis, issue, however you prefer to call it, has its own stigma. But that is NOT a reason to not get help. Part of the trick is to find the right people to talk to. If you know that one of your friends can be judgmental, while another has also struggled, for example, then maybe you choose to talk to that friend. If you are concerned over how your parents will react, talk to another trusted adult first. Anyone that matters and cares will want you to get better. If they don’t, then they are not worth the time or stress anyway. If you are worried about what will happen to you, don’t be. Treatment and even recovery can be scary, but it’s all intended to help you, and if you let it, it will. 

12. Make a list of the reasons that you are happy that you are still here and reasons that you want to continue to be safe and clean. Keep adding to the list. When you first sit down to write it, it may be shorter than you would like. But it will grow. I guarantee it. Just keep watching it and adding to it. (My (growing) list to follow later in the week).

Love,

Hope <3

Random Post 1

I was required to keep a journal for the first month or so of the semester.

The first two words (after the disclaimer) are: "I survived"

The last two words (I haven't written in about a month) are: "Panic attack."

I hope that doesn't mean that things have gone down hill since I've gotten here.

My Writing: Disclaimer

**ALL names of people that I write about in stories and entries have been changed for their privacy and mine. I will probably reiterate this in every post.**

The follow are general disclaimers for whenever I write something personal. They are also nearly a direct quote of the first couple of pages of the journal that I kept for a couple months this fall. 

1. Sometimes I narrate, annotate, and go into stream of consciousness. I do this when I speak, when I write, and nearly anytime that I am expressing myself in words.

2. This one is more bothersome to me and I have only really started coming to terms wit it over the ast couple of months. I lie to my journals (entries, etc.). I over -and under- exaggerate, put things in that didn't happen and omit important things that did. This isn't always the case (and a lot of times it's minor), but it will usually happen at times when it is the most important to be honest. I (think I) understand some of the reasons behind it, but not all. (More on this in a later entry probably).

3. My writing, writing styles, syntax, vocabulary, honesty, etc. will change depending on what time of day it is. Depending on a whole lot of factors, once it hits a certain hour I basically become a completely different person. 

4. My vocabulary varies by the minute and I will often leaves blanks or quotes around a word when I can't quite figure out exactly what I'm trying to say.

5. I have a higher tolerance than I seem to think and imply that I do for most things. I also have a lower tolerance and am probably in denial for many things. (This will make more sense if it comes up).

6. Sometimes my vocabulary and syntax gets very repetitive. 

7. I either become obsessed with journalling/blogging/etc. to the point that it keeps me up all night and it's all that I can think about, or I forget about it. Please hang in there with me if and when I start to do either and both, which will inevitably happen at some point. 

I know that there are more, but this is what I have for now!

-Hope

Welcome!

For those of you who knew me on other sites, I have used the name HopeInPain for nearly three years now. The email address and Facebook that were associated with it, however, were hacked and phished and completely compromised within the last year or so. Because I lost so much access to everything on those accounts, I decided to start this instead. Plus HopeInRecovery, is a far more optimistic (and accurate) portrayal of my life now.

I've been doing a lot of writing lately (both on the book that I am writing and otherwise), and I thought that maybe it would be good to share some of that instead of having it just sitting and taking up storage space on my computer.

I am not sure how long it will take me to get this all set up, but hopefully it will be up and running shortly.

Happy Reading!!

-Hope