It's Like Raking Leaves on a Windy Day

Certain things are just not practical and better done under different circumstances.

Allowed Myself One Day of Self Pity

This was from last Tuesday (December 4th, 2012):

I allowed myself one day of self pity. 

But that was yesterday. 

Today, I got up. Brushed myself off (figuratively). Took a long shower (literally). Went through the motions in the morning. Came back. Ate a little. And had the most productive day in as long as I can remember. I accomplished over a weeks worth of tasks in some areas and got caught up in everything that I needed to do. Honestly, it feels liberating. Yesterday is still nagging at me, but today I put that energy to good use instead.

The End Of A Long Journey

I hold in my hand, the end. This pill marks the end of my two and half year, nine- medication journey with psychopharmacology. I was on some of these medications for two weeks. Some for over a year. Sometimes one at a time. And sometimes four. Some of these medications I should have never been prescribed. Some caused more problems than they solved. Some were very low doses. Some were extremely high. They were antidepressants, anticonvulsants, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics. None seemed to help.

I’m not cured and I might have to live significant parts of my life struggling with things that have become commonplace to me. But I am “okay.” At eighteen, I have seen many things and worked many systems that most people won’t see or work in their entire lives.

This final 150mg dose of Lithium marks the end of a journey that I hope that I won’t have to embark on again. But if I do, I’m ready. I can handle it.

I’m in it for the long-run, for the fight. I am strong.

And tomorrow morning, when I take what will hopefully be my last dose of a psychiatric medication, I will be free! 

My Roommate

My roommate is bad for my recovery, my mental health, and my physical health.

I’m trying to be very careful. I know that I could have done far worse for a roommate this year and that most of the time we tolerate each other extremely well. Shy of when I’ve been at home or an occasional slip-up to a friend here, I have not said, or written, a negative thing about her. It’s not worth it. Here is my one complaint right now however, and I am choosing it carefully:

She has very odd eating and exercising habits and is quite obsessed with how she looks. It takes her hours to get ready in the morning and at night, which, as far as logistics go at least, is fine. We’ve managed so far. However, I’m worried that while I’m trying to balance the appropriate way for me to eat and dress (I’ve also been sick so I have to wear baggy clothing that covers most of my skin) having her around is an additional and unnecessary stress. I feel her constantly judging my dressing and eating habits and I am having trouble with it. She “treats everyday like a fashion show,” while I dress for comfort. She eats as little as she possibly can and exercises as much as she can, while looking down on those who don’t. I can’t handle her judgements while I’m trying to get my own life together, and I can’t tell anyone because I don’t want anyone here to know about my struggles. I don’t know what to do.

The Bell Jar

Although there are only 3 classes left in the semester, my English Professor assigned us Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" to read. I knew when I signed up for the class this summer that this book was on the syllabus, and if fact, it's on of the reason that I chose the class. I'm not so sure that it's a good idea any more. I've resolved that I am going to spend as little time alone while reading it as possible, but it is still triggering. Extremely triggering at times, actually. For class discussion it helps if we annotate the book, but since I have a moral opposition to writing in this book, I have been putting post-it notes in the margins with anything that I feel is worth noting. To make my life easier, I am using two different color notes: one for class-related points, and one for personal ones.

Furthermore, I have to give a presentation of Plath probably on Tuesday or Thursday. In order to research for the presentation, I went to the library today to check out a couple of books on her. For every book that I grabbed I opened to a medication I had been on, a hospital I had been in, a diagnosis I had received, or another piece of specific information relating to that period of my life. That was really not what I was looking for tonight.

I will make it, though. I will read the book safely and take important and helpful information from it.

-Hope

11/28/12 - Struggle

I feel the roots of the "eating disorder " resurfacing. I've argued until I was blue in the face with multiple doctors however, that my lack of eating and massive loss of weight earlier this year was purely due to a lack of appetite. Then again, I also did not realize how thin I had gotten until I looked at pictures and told someone how much I weighed at my lowest. Apparently I was underweight, which is not characteristic of my build.

The fear of weight and of gaining weight has returned though. It's starting to consume my thoughts and actions again. Although I have a new therapist, and she's great, I'm still worried about losing credibility amongst other things if I change my mind on something I fought so hard for - justification for starving. I am however, more concerned about what will happen if this really is an "eating disorder" coming back. I'm in a completely different situation both physically and mentally than I was at the beginning of the year and I'm not sure that I could handle that extra stress here.

Breathe. Eat. Be safe.

- Hope

Relapse is just part of recovery.